AWTK#4: See and know ME! :)

From Aggie:

Anyway, for this week, I want to SEE you. Post your most recent pictures. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look great. I want to see more than what is a normal avatar. Take note that it needs to be RECENT. Can you believe I can use an avatar dated 2 years ago? Time for things to change

Secondly, I want to KNOW you. Just YOU. Sans kids, the husband, just YOU. I have a lot of ME tags in my blog – you can use that. What do I want to read: You – Now. It can be as simple as “I love Coke.” or as complex as “I am the crossroads of my life.”

This is me NOW, with my baby doll and first born, Sissy, at the background. This is me Now, as in this picture was taken this morning at 725am :) Me with the uncombed hair, big nose and still in sleepwear (and currently on my 23th week [23wks and 5 days to be exact] of pregnancy). Taken just before I go back to sleep. Done with breakfast, milk and vitamins. I prepared the meal! Been like this for about two weeks now. I seriously need a pat on the back, LOL!

Anyway, I'm the second child among four siblings (and second girl of two). I was raised in Bulacan in a very strict environment. The parents didn't spoil us (oh well, I always thought we were underprivileged back then) but provided well for our needs and we always had enough. If there's something we really want, we had to wait or work hard for it.

I had a happy childhood -- having a very large backyard to play around with my cousins, even aunts. I remember playing under the big Camachile tree and inside our very own bahay kubo. We'd even ask the neighbor to let us pick guavas from their tree :) We'd wait for the Lollie to come home hoping she'd bring some pasalubong for us.

In high school, I was sent to an all-girl school in Manila. My sister and I, together with her bestfriend, lived in a dorm run by the RVM sisters. We were basically living in a nunnery. I was in for the shock of my life. I secured myself inside my shell and never opened up until the last few months of third year. I wasn't happy. I gained new friends early on but it just wasn't enough. I was always the newcomer and Probinsyana, or so I felt/thought (realized later on that this wasn't true at all, my friends valued me :)). There were things happening in our lives (as a family) that were hard to ignore for someone like me who was just beginning to see 'reality'. I was an idealist (still am), struggled to accept things I cannot control.

The feeling of helplessness lingered until I went to university where I met new friends. I found ME in and around them. And I slowly made peace with the monsters that bugged me for years. I've always thought that I took the wrong courses as degrees but looking back, I won't trade the years I spent in college for anything.

And my current state? I'm full of angst and worries yet very much happy, knowing that I have my Ane and soon Baby Dot to see me through. I just contradicted myself but that's the best description of what I feel. Crazy, yeah, but sometimes I surprise myself with the things I say.

One must be equally insane to get me.


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PS. Thanks for enabling, Aggie! This is one of the most serious posts I've ever shared in a blog. Really. And it feels good to just 'write' it down.